I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
