Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
