In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
