So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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