He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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