Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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