i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
