Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
