Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize