apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
