Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
They took my balls.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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