you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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