exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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