God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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