I wanna bring you to show and tell
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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