I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
