well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
