Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
