my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
