Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
