there's paper in my vomit.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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