You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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