yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
