so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
