hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
