so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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