if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
we should paint friendship bongs
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
