Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
