I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
