i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
