I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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