Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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