pop tarts are not kleenex
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
