Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
