she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
