Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
