I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
