I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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