I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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