My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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