What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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