So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
