He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
