So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
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The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
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It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just want to make out with him forever
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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