Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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