So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
