you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
