My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
