I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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