come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
