he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
