Jerry, you need to find god
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
