Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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