your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
