my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
