Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
