My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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