More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
